||[Jun. 10th, 2008|03:23 am]
At this very moment I am trying really hard to remind myself that I am strong. I am trying to keep in mind that I am an incredible person full of life, happiness, spontaniety, and ambition. I am no longer ashamed of how I look or how I act... and I shouldn't be.|
It's hard though. It's hard when I remember that I don't really feel like I have friends once again. It's hard because the people that I thought cared about me, became people I didn't feel like I could trust enough to be honest with.. and it hurts more because when I can't talk to someone, I disappear from them, and when they don't come looking... or try any form of contact... it's always a sign to me, that I didn't mean enough. And that's exactly why I have never had a long term friend. I've never meant enough. And the only reason I ever reconnect with people, when or if I do, is because I always allow people to mean too much to me.
This is all coming out because Greg is out there, drunk, talking to Deanna on the phone and aiding her in trying to persuade Alyssa to drive them both down here to hang out. And in the middle of this, he rambles and jokes about how weird I am and how I talk to myself and laugh at things when nobody is in the room... and idk, it didn't matter at first but then it got to me just a little bit. I don't know. I mean. It's just because... I'm not his friend. I'm not their friend. I am just this girl that is supposed to give him money and happens to sleep in and clean his house. And to them? I don't know what I am. But apparently they think I hate them. I am still very frustrated by their actions, mainly Alyssa's just of the broken trust, but I don't know what makes them think I would waste my energy hating them. I don't really hate anyone anyway. Except myself. And that's just because of what I've let my life become.